Get this. So I'm applying for a music internship overseas for this next summer. It's an amazing opportunity to mix music with ministry, something I would love to do for the rest of my life. But anyway, as part of the application, I was required to assess my spiritual gifts. I was really excited to do this because ever since my trip to Thailand this summer I've been on a personal quest to find them out. I firmly believe that in order for me to be effective in the body of Christ, I have to know my gifts and operate on them in whatever capacity I can. The results of this assessment were a true shock to me.
Top on the list, with the least shock value but worth noting, was the gift of leadership. Although this is not as much a shock as the other two maybe, I was still a bit shocked. It has seemed for a long time that my leadership bone in my body was on a bit of a sabbatical since high school. I was definitely more comfortable taking leadership roles in high school but since coming to college and being placed in a context where there were many others much more qualified in almost every area, I've been a bit shy to take responsibility. Okay that's a slight fabrication. If I'm being honest, I've been lazy the last two years. I've seen the other people that have taken leadership and said to myself that I'm not as qualified and therefore I have a right to be lazy and sit on my butt while other people get the work done. I've been under-motivated. After having a summer for the books, in both positive and negative ways, I think I've finally come to grips with that leadership bone and have found myself looking for ways to use it in effective ways.
Anyway, number three on my top three was the gift of missionary. I found this to be extremely interesting because all my life I think I've been running like Jonah from a call from God to go. I've always said that I "want to do the Lord's work, but I don't think that missionary work is my call." This is the biggest load of crap and a total excuse. To be completely honest with myself and God and you all, being a missionary scares the poop out of me. I don't think I have the faith, I don't think I have the courage, I don't know if I have the motivation, I don't think I have the strength, I don't think I have the talent, and I certainly don't think I have God figured out enough to share it with anyone, let alone make my life out of it. I don't want to go. Sure, I want to travel, and I want to help other people. But why is there a divide in my head between that and being a missionary? I haven't figured that one out yet, but until I do, I guess I should ask God to use that gift in whatever capacity he finds me capable of at the moment.
As you might have noticed, I skipped number two on my trifecta of spiritual gifts. This literally made me want to laugh, but it was one of those laughs that eventually turns to tears because you realize that you shouldn't be laughing because as it turns out, you're kind of pathetic. It's like that one time I was discussing Rapunzel's hair with someone back stage at Celebrate Christmas. I was talking about how beautiful the scene is with the lanterns and Flynn and them singing together, and her hair and how long and blonde it is..... and then I just start laughing at myself because I'm literally describing a cartoon like she's my best friend and eventually huge tears start rolling down my face, not because I'm laughing so hard but because I'm literally crying at the thought of Rapunzel's blonde hair, which made me cry even more because why the heck am I that pathetic that I would be that obsessed with a cartoon character (sorry Tangled, you're so great.) Anyway, tangent over, lets get to this spiritual gift. Here it is, the second highest number on my spiritual gifts assessment: CELIBACY. Excuse me? Is that even a spiritual gift? and if it is.. WHY? What does that even mean? I mean... I know what it means I think we all do.. but... REALLY? Should my #foreveralone be turned into #foreveroperatingonmyspiritualgift? Some of the questions on this assessment started to make a whole lot more sense. I guess my independence and my refusal to be stifled or controlled by relationship translated to this assessment as "I want to be single for the rest of my life." This is of course not the case, but I guess the more I think about it the more I'm realizing that I really don't have strong feelings at this point in time for either side of this. The fact that I might actually be good at being alone doesn't terrify me. It doesn't devastate me, or crush my dream of kissing in the rain, or dying next to a husband that refuses to let me go without him. But it also doesn't empower me in a negative way. Personally, this realization that I might have a gift that leaves me alone in the romantic sense doesn't mean I'm going to stop searching for real love and fully identify with this assessment. As much as I may joke about it, and sometimes seriously believe it, I haven't given up on the dream of walking down the aisle in a white dress next to my daddy, or waiting to give myself to my husband for the very first time on our wedding night. Of course, first on the list of this search for true love has to be the love of my Father in heaven. For the longest time, as my cynicism started to grow and I started to tell myself that I didn't need love, I tried to tell myself that I didn't need God's love either, but that is one love that I could NEVER be celibate from, even if I tried. But, I also cannot believe that God calls people to stop being in or searching for relationship.
So.. in the section "how have you used these spiritual gifts" I had to be honest and say.. I have NO idea what this gift means in my life. For now I think it means that I have a gift of being independent? Maybe? I'm still young and celibate is not a term I'm willing to claim at nearly 21 years of age so we'll go with independent. I'm still laughing at this and choosing not to take it completely to heart because I know this assessment is not the be all and end all of my spiritual gifts but it made for some interesting food for thought.
Blessings to all and I encourage you to #searchoutyourgifts #youmightfindsomethinghilarious
