Bittersweet

I've been keeping a journal of highs and lows of every day that I'm here in Africa. Along with a my roses and thorns, each day I try to write something that I think God showed me about himself through that day and the challenges and joys it brought. Today, what I learned was too good to keep locked in a journal that only I will ever see. I have been blessed to be a part of a D group through this semester. Our D group focus is on De-briefing on things we experience here and what we learn as we come face to face with suffering and joy. Today one of our leaders sent out this quote as a taste about our subject matter for this evening. Everything about this quote speaks life into my life. If you've read my first blog post, you'll find that this relates almost directly to my destruction of home and comfortability. It comes from a book called Bittersweet that is now on my reading list for sure.

"This is what I've come to believe about change: it's good, in the way that childbirth is good, and heartbreak is good, and failure is good. By that I mean that it's incredibly painful, exponentially more so if you fight it, and also that it has the potential to open you up, to open life up, to deliver you right into the palm of God's hand, which is where you wanted to be all along, except that you were too busy pushing and pulling your life into exactly what you thought it should be. I've learned the hard way that change is one of God's greatest gifts, and most useful tools. Change can push us, pull us, rebuke and remake us. It can show us who we've become, in the worst ways, and also in the best ways. I've learned that it's not something to run away from, as though we could, and that in many cases, change is a function of God's graciousness, not life's cruelty."

I thoroughly believe that this quote pretty much speaks for itself but I do have a few little tidbits. I have tried to fight change all my life. I really do believe that this fight is what has made change so difficult for me to cope with. But, the woman who wrote this quote hit the nail on the head when she said that change has the potential to open you up, and to open life up. Change in my life has opened up my life. It's opened up myself. It's opened the possibilities of what life could be like up to me. When I think back on my life even at (almost) 21, I think about all the amazing things that I've been able to do. I realized that all of these things involved a change. My switch to drama in high school involved a huge change of friends and time spent and it turned out to be my some of my best memories of high school. My change from Lynden to Azusa involved a giant change of scenery and community. Kristi's and my decision to go to Europe included a change into a more global mindset that has forever altered the way we process. My change into an approachable human being (still in progress) has required a whole lot of effort on my part.  My decision to do Chamber last year involved a change of original plans, but this turned into one if not THE best experience I have had in college yet. This semester and my decision to come here required me to make a big decision about changing my friends, changing myself, and changing my outlook on life. Everything good that I've done and anything good that I have become has been a result of change and I am so much better for it. I've taken risks, tried and failed, gained and lost, loved and been devastated. All this change has dropped me on my knees at Jesus' feet and he's taken me into his hand which is where I want to be and want to live forever. I realized that change has brought me some of my best experiences, some of my best qualities, and ultimately some of God's greatest blessings. Change has also weeded out some of my biggest flaws and drudged up my past in ways that have been more painful than I can bear at times. It's like a garden. I've weeded these things out but sometimes I weed them out only to replant them and let them take root in me again. Instead of replanting them, I need to cut the roots off so they have no means to grow and throw them back on the garden. I can't take them away because they are a part of who I am but my flaws and my past can be used for such a greater purpose than polluting the garden of fruit that the Lord is trying to grow in me. They can be used as compost, to re-nourish the ground so that the right kinds of fruit will grow out of them.

God is gracious. I cannot escape change. But if change will let me explore all that I am and all that I can be, I don't think I want to escape. Even though I hate it at times, change will continue to take me away which is where I feel most comfortable.