The Real MVPs

There are t-minus two days until yet another year pushes The Backstreet Boys (the cassette tape), the perfect AIM profile, tamagotchi pets, that awful noise dial-up internet makes and MTV music videos farther into irrelevancy (Also did anyone ever find where in the world Carmen Sandiego was?) 2015 is upon us. Life is passing right in front of me. I'm doing my best to catch up with it, but it still seems to be running away. The good news is that it's carrying some of the greatest people I've ever known with it and with me. At the twilight of this 2014th year and the dawn of 2015 I wanted to take a moment to give the biggest shoutout and my heartfelt gratefulness to the 2014 Real MVPs.

The Parentals: Now don't get greedy, both of you have pretty much been mentioned in every blog I have posted, so I'll try to keep this short and sweet. You pay my tuition. There it is. Short and sweet. To the point. Throwin' it out there. I DO NOT take this for granted. You both have done such an incredible job of thinking about my future and the future of my siblings even when we could not even speak the words. You've personally invested your blood, sweat, tears, and un-purchased shoes (*cough* Mom) into making sure that someday you can completely cut us off and disappear on one of your vacations and we will still be okay left behind. With graduation coming upon me in the next year (fingers crossed) I look back at the last four years that you've funded and I hope you consider it a good investment. I have grown in so many more ways than my education. Many people's college years are an expensive way to ruin their lives. Those years are squandered away for the sake of "experience." Mine's been different. I've traveled, experienced a world I never new existed and I've learned life lessons and class lessons that have made me more passionate about the things that matter most. So Thank You.

The Sibs: I am reminded every time I come home how lame I am. I think it also proves that our family is just a little off its rocker. I would much rather spend time with my siblings than anyone else. I love those guys. Our relationships have evolved over the years but I really think that this time of life is turning out to be my favorite. We have adult conversations yet we play games and laugh like children. We realize that love is unconditional yet making the choice to love each other is not near as difficult because no one is locking me in the closet, or forcing me to zip-line head first straight into a tree. This year, I want to give a specific and special shoutout to my sister Lindsay. 2014 has been a special year for me because I have embraced my sister (yes she's in-law but she looks more like us anyway.) I LOVE this woman. She's strong, increasingly beautiful, with a heart of absolute gold. I've learned so much from her intentionality with me and also from her life experiences. She asks questions and seeks answers. She loves Jesus and you can see it in her everyday life that she is continually falling in love with Him. So Thank You.

Nicholas Michael Andres McClellan: I was going to put "The Boyf"or "The Mexican" but I realized that you really do deserve the full name. Oh Mr. McClellan, 2014 was our year. I have no idea how you dealt with me, but somehow we fell in love this year. You sir, are an everyday reminder that I am absolutely worth the beautiful things in life. I am worth pursuit because you pursued me the way that Jesus has chased after me even when I pushed you away. You are my best friend when I need you to be, you are my joker when I need to laugh, my arms when I need to cry, an insulated wall when I need to use language that shouldn't be uttered in public, and a mirror that echoes "you're beautiful" each time I look into it. I cannot thank you enough for the lessons that being in a relationship with you has taught me. Thank you for supporting my dreams, loving my independence, and letting me need you. So Thank You.

 The Guys: Nick, I also would like to thank you for having the greatest examples of men (and God-honoring diversity) as friends. Micah Kwok, Steven Schmidt, and Alexander Tutungi, you are all different but you are all reasons that the world will probably be okay. You've supported me and welcomed me into each of your lives in a different way and I am grateful that I'm not just a tag on to Nick but instead I feel valued and appreciated for who I am. I thank God for you all every single day and I love you. So Thank You.


My South Africa's: 2014 was interesting because at its commencement I had to try and figure out what America was again. I could not have done this without my roommates and my forever friends Jordan Salviati, Courtney Levitt, Marlee Richardson, and Blakely Christiansen. You guys put up with a lot in Spring of 2014. I was never around and when I was, I was singing solfege in the house or playing endless scales on the piano. But you guys loved me. You made pasta for me (Jord) and forced me to put down my work and watch and appreciate the world. The water was so blue with you guys. I miss South Africa daily, but you guys are my reminders that the world is bigger than music and bigger than the chains I sometimes put myself in. You remind me that I am free. So Thank You.

The Babe Cave: This house has been a ginormous blessing this year. Yes, I'm thankful for the house, but more importantly I am so blessed by the people in it. I could not even begin to lump anyone in this house into a group so I am just going to call them out.
Bethany "Bany" "Bjeps" Jepsen: You used some great analogy to describe our friendship but I don't remember what it was, so I'll use sports. You've been my 4th quarter friend, my 9th inning stretch. We weren't immediately drawn to each other, but somehow we smashed into each other and I'm so thankful that I found a best friend.
Sarah Nolan: I remember very clearly wanting so badly to be friends with you. Now that we live together you're pretty much forced to be my friend but I'm super excited about it. You radiate life and your experiences and views about love, life, and the Lord have been a blessing to me.
Lydia Sewell: My Lyds, my love. We also sort of got smashed together sophomore year but let me tell you, that smash has bowled me over with blessings. You've told me things about myself that I have never forgotten and shared your life with me even when I was a terrible friend. Living with you again is a joy and a pleasure.
Kelsey Kepple: I have just gotten to know Kelsey this semester, but she is incredible. First of all, she is talented. I saw her perform in her senior recital and never realized so much passion and fire could come out of that tiny body. Second, she is FUN. The times that we have spent as roommates have been infused with her laughter, and her coffee is always brewing.
Rae "Baechel" Burgess: Rae thank you for never being afraid of a deep conversation. Thank you for never saying you're okay when you're not. You have shown me that it's okay to hurt and it's okay to have questions.
Gabrielle Carbajal: Thank you for your grace and poise. I'm pretty certain you are a perfect human. You have enough questions and have been through trials to make you real and not plastic but you have come out brighter and more radiant. Thank you for the peace that your bring to the house and the smiles and giggles that echo God's presence in my life.

So Thank You.

Izzi "how many z's" Ezra: You're kinda the reason I'm even making this list, because you did it last year and I don't have any original ideas. I mean, I wasn't on yours last year but I guess I forgive you for that. I have been absolutely surprised in the best way with you. You've been my friend-crush for probably a year now (you and Sarah) and this year we finally admitted that we make perfect friends. Thank you for being Intentional Af and being so supportive of me. You're a beautiful person and the realist Izzi Ez.

The Boo Thangs: Dana, Deb and Raquel. Thank you for our group text message. As funny as that sounds, I really appreciate that there is a place that I can say anything I want and you guys will laugh. Each one of you is a constant reminder that I have "people." You guys are my people. Dana, thank you for sticking with me always. And reassuring me that nothing is ever going to come between us. Deborah, thank you for believing in love and pursuing it. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Raquel, thank you for calling me just to talk. Thank you for being the spice I need in my life. So Thank You.

C4li=36 And Counting... I Think I'm Funny: Thanks for being stoopid. Thanks for hating me. But for real Cali, I am indebted to you for your loyalty, your honesty, and your pursuit of me. Thank you for moving to LA so that you can come to my concerts, meet my friends, and be a part of my life. Thank you for being bold and confident in yourself. You are beautiful and you are worth so much more than what you've been given at times. We've been best friends since age 4 and I don't really foresee that changing ever so, Thank You.

Shlexican BFF: Ashley thank you for being my soul sister. This year has been another testament to me that no matter the distance, the heart is warm. You know me and have a line to my heart that is direct and hot. I cannot wait for the next year of our lives and for the many conversations about dreams, natural disasters and public transportation that we will no doubt have. Wherever you are, my heart is there with you. So Thank You.

Maddy-Poo: This year I've realized how much I need you in my life. You're someone I can be cynical with and laugh about it. Deep down though, you're a lover and a romantic. I just know it. Thank you for making me laugh this year and accepting me for me. So Thank You.

Michelle Jensen and the Chamber Singers: My home away from home. My family away from family. Thank you for trusting me this year with your tour. Thank you for being excellent so that we can compete. Thank you for showing me that music is absolutely necessary. Thank you for making INCREDIBLE sounds come out of your mouth in sync so that I can bask in the craft that I am studying. Thank you for looking fabulous and being professional. Making music with you all has given me life and comfort. I have no idea how I am going to function outside of this group.   Thank you for letting me be a part of something so beautiful. So Thank You.

I set out to write this not knowing how many people would actually be on it. There are so many more that I can put on here, people that have made me laugh, some that have made me cry, but all have made me better and have made me, me. Thank you 2014 for being a year of love, life, laughter, and experience. Here's to 2015. I'm sure it'll be okay. ;)

A Snippet of My Brain: My thoughts on Books, Binge Reading, and Basic Beezy Book Quotes

I have a habit. Would I go so far to say an addiction? Maybe. My habit is something that I wish I could curb, yet somehow, I hope it stays with me into old adulthood (if the stage we are in now is called young adult hood, is that what older than young adult is called? When does that even start anyway?)

Books: For anyone who really knows me you know that I can not live without books. I love them. All this passion that I feel towards the written word channels itself into an irrational rage toward the Kindle no matter how convenient they have become. The feelings that I have toward physical books could be considered unhealthy. The way I like to carry them with me wherever I go. The fantasies I have about nooks in my future home, or the walls of books I want to cover my office even if I don't need an office. The fact that in my free time this summer I made a bucket list of all of the libraries in the world that I MUST see before I die. There's something about standing in a room full of books that makes you feel smaller. Each book holds something new to learn, something that someone else seems to think they know better than you. I mean, they knew enough of said thing to write it down but I love that it's our job to decide if what they know is really as much as they say it is. Books can be overwhelming. Each book is different and requires an effort. You have to open it. You have to choose it. You have to take it down from among the home that it rests on and decide that it's worth your time.  Each book is a mystery for you to unfold and only YOU can press out the folds the way that you will. Yet, somehow, even if you only read a page, a preface, or a summary (or the last sentence -__-), you will always leave a room full of books feeling smarter than you are because at the very least you took the first step toward knowledge. 

I love the smell of books. I love to feel each page as it turns both literally in my hands, and figuratively in my head. I love the crisp turn of each first page and satisfying, deep breath I finally get to take when I close the back cover. I love the dedication pages of books. You know, that huge blank page with the small script on the top? Yeah that one. Sometimes there is a poem or a quote or a series of words or letters that make no sense. I love this page because on it you'll find an author's purposes hidden in someone else's words. It's almost as if they are paying homage to someone else who puts as much thought into every syllable and every word. It's like they are giving the rest of the world, or at least a piece of it, credit for their creation. I love the first sentence. There is so much to be seen in an author's first thought because it no doubt came last in the process. In my opinion, a good author's first sentence is like that thesis that English teachers are always trying to get you to form. It says everything you need to know, yet begs to be explained. The last sentence is much the same. It has a sense of resolve, yet, in good books at least, leaves the reader with a bit of a question mark, pleading for further thought. 

My favorite books to pick up are novels. Not because they are easy to read, or entertaining, or because I have a vivid imagination, but because of the characters. I believe that characters in books are an author's best autobiography. Each time you get to know a character you learn about his creator. What I have learned about novels is that authors embed themselves into their characters.  All of the things they hope to be and all the things that they want to forget that they are. All the good, all the bad. The best and the worst all smashed into a selection of male and female counterparts. Characters carry the worldview of the authors and the doubts they may have. They carry culture, passions, and beauty as seen by the one who with every word and formed thought brings himself to life. Writing is a form of escapism but also a way to process. Storytelling is a way to separate life experiences, isolate them and handle them the way your imagination would before your impulses or emotions maybe got in the way. Writing is a way to say all of the things that you thought in your head "DANG. That's good! But it's way too real...I can't say that to him/her." In a novel, you can say what you mean, scream truth, or mimic those that think they know what truth is, all while hiding behind a version of yourself that you've created to act on your behalf. By reading novels you can begin to know the world. So much of our world revolves around how we think and perceive and by reading another human beings imagination, you can become intimate with the world of another. This is why I think every one should read. Not only that, this is why I think everyone should WRITE. Even if you suck. I think you need to write because I have much to learn about your world.

Binge Reading: So after all of that, I guess I should tell you what my addiction is. You guessed it I hope. Binge reading. Hot steamy love affairs with the written word. So this summer I binge read for about three weeks. My job got a little bit boring, Washington summer weather was not cooperating. I'd wake up and squint out of one eye and think "please don't let it rain today, please don't let it rain today, please don't let it rain today" only to find the pavement wet again.  I got sick of binge WATCHING Gossip Girl on Netflix. Bottom line is, I picked up a book. And for the next three weeks I couldn't put them down. Now, I've never been an alcoholic, or an addict, but every time I break my book sobriety I imagine the feeling is much like tasting a smooth 50 year old scotch after 10 years of my husband hiding it in the padlocked liquor cabinet (if I would have picked up Twilight it might have felt like a swig of the phenomenon that is Four Loko. Of course I mean no judgement upon either of these things but at this point in my life, DATS RATCHET.) I think the grand total for my book drunkeness was 12. 12 books in 21 days.

I felt alive. I got my escape. All of a sudden, my thoughts were less fragmented, my mind more clear, and my imagination running wild. My vocabulary also went up a pay grade. 

Basic Beezy Book Quotes: Y'all can call me basic, but for the first couple of days, I binge read all of John Greene's books. I wanted to see his most recent adaptation The Fault in Our Stars, so naturally, the book came first. But as I continued through his three other novels I began to notice something about his writing. John Greene's novels can be categorized as "teen fiction" you can find them next to anything by Meg Cabot, the Twilight bandwagon books, and Sarah Dessen's coming of age novels. His books are written with a simplicity in style and language that is very relatable and appealing to a demographic of screaming girls and emo kids. But there are so many aspects of Greene's writing that are not simple. His story content for example. TFIOS is about two cancer ridden kids that fall in the only kind of love they can manage while oblivion awaits them. If you think waiting to die but still trying to find a reason to live is simple and childish, you have other issues. In every one of Greene's books, story is developed almost to its ending. At this crucible moment, the characters usually come together in a form of dialogue. You can then expect that in the next 3-4 pages, you will get bitch slapped across the face with a John Greene truth bomb. His characters develop in a way makes them a mystery until they aren't. Throughout the book you know that there's something more to them, you're just waiting for them to say what you need them to say, and then their words will come together in sentences that you didn't even know were possible. The biggest example of this and pretty much the reason why I even started to write this now very lengthy blog vomit was in John Greene's Paper Towns. Quentin and his opposite Margo are sitting in the middle of nowhere in this "paper town" (this term is actually a very cool concept. Look it up.) While they are laying there, Margo says this,

“Maybe its like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen - these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.” 

RIGHT?!?! John Greene truth bomb. It happened. I'm pretty sure that there was a point in each of his books that I had to just put the book down and think for a few hours. This was one of them. I thought this metaphor was so skillfully explored and so completely relevant that I sat there wishing I wrote it myself. There is a poem by Mary Oliver that says,

I want to write something
so simply
about love
or about pain
that even
as you are reading
you feel it
and as you read
you keep feeling it
and though it can be my story
it will be in common,
though it be singular
it will be known to you
so that by the end
you will think--
no, you will realize--
that it was all the while
yourself arranging the words,
that it was all the time
words that you yourself,
out of your heart
had been saying. 

Whenever I read something like the John Greene quote, I think about this poem. I want so badly to be the one that thought up this metaphor. Mostly because I feel like it is describing my life to me. I've been cracked open. I've tried to glue myself together, only to be smashed again. I think the Lord has cracked me at just the right times in my life so that I can learn to see outside myself and my cracks and really start to see other people. I've seen myself in a different light. In the last four years of my college career I've seen myself as an over-exaggerated, super extra human being. Losing all sense of responsibility, leadership, and dedication, all things that make me who I am. Hiding myself behind a loud laughter, a false but familiar spiritual ritual, and relationships. Then I saw myself at the complete opposite. Laid out to bare in front of myself and everyone around me and forced to deal with the fact that I failed. I was capable of making mistakes that would have consequences that I could not control no matter how hard I tried and no matter how much of myself I gave up. I saw myself shrinking to the point where it didn't seem like there were any pieces of me that were distinguishable to my shape. And it was painful. It sucked. But once I was cracked open, after I got over the initial shock, I started to see past the cracks in my armor. I started to see others. I saw friends that had willingly cracked themselves open for me just so that I could know them. I finally knew the difference because I saw the ones that kept themselves airtight and realized that I was forever at a disadvantage. Always cracked open far more than they deserved. 

Now I am me. I am free. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am fun. I am thoughtful. I am logical. I am spontaneous. I am passionate. I am responsible. I have friends. I'm not alone. I'm appreciated. I'm held accountable. I am WORTH IT. 

All of these things that I (most days) define myself as are marked by a crack in my armor. A life lesson or experience that cracked Satan's hold on me and allowed me to see truth shine through. But I am okay with that. Why? Because "once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out" 

The Lord Said Go.. So I booked a ticket!

La Próxima Aventura.

And there it is. It's so hard to believe that more than two months have already come and gone since my return from South Africa. And yet, I find myself thinking "I can't believe that it's only been two months." People have asked me how I'm doing being back and how I'm reorienting myself with Gross family, APU, and American cultures in general. I won't say that it's been the hardest thing I have been through, but that in itself has been one of the most difficult things to come to grips with. How could it be this easy to just jump right back into life? How can I be going back to living my life without all the people I met and got close to in South Africa? But then again, why is it so hard to deal with my schedule? Why am I so stressed about my 16 units? Why are there never enough hours in a day to debrief with myself or with anyone else for that matter? My life right now is full of "yes but no" which is frustrating. Yes, it's good to be back to some sense of normalcy, no i'm not exactly orientated to that normalcy. Yes, I miss South Africa every day, but no, I don't feel like I'm out of place where I am. Yes, it was easy to catch back up with my friends, but no I am not the same person anymore and that presents some challenges.

As crazy as it is to say out loud though, I'm on to the next adventure! I'm both excited and nervous for this next one because of the fact that I haven't quite fully recovered from my semester in South Africa, but hey, maybe it's best to just jump back in to the saddle of a different culture and start going again. I think that might be necessary for me so that I don't elevate my South Africa experience or romanticize it to some "camp high". The biggest thing that God has taught me in all my travel is that he is there and he is present WHEREVER I go. God didn't show up and "fix me" because I was in South Africa. He set me free from myself where he found me vulnerable and ready to hear what he had to say. That could have been jumping off the bridge in South Africa or it could have been drinking a cup of coffee in my living room. Travel is not supposed to be some camp experience. The Lord commanded us to experience the world that he created. That is part of our call as Christians. Travel is such a blessing and a wonderful experience but what it is not supposed to be romanticized into some fantasy where the world is a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie. Travel is hard. It makes you realize things about yourself and the world around you that are hard to ignore in your everyday life.

My next "aventura" is about to start. I'm so excited that I get to spend six blessed days in PARAGUAY, SOUTH AMERICA! When I tell people what my plans are for Spring Break 2014 they look at me like I am crazy and say that Paraguay is pretty much the most random response for "where are you going for the break?" This trip has been one of the biggest surprises of 2014. I will be spending the week with Judah Mooney and his family in Asuncion, Paraguay. He and his family are missionaries from Faith Community Church in Lynden. I have been in contact with Judah for the last 6 or 7 months discussing the possibility of getting APU students/musicians to Paraguay to do some sort of music ministry there. In order to make that happen, I was looking at doing a scouting trip this Spring. After loosing touch over Christmas break, I had resolved that the Lord just did not have it in the cards for me to take on this adventure this year. Welp... the Lord said "don't you try and tell me what I have for you" and I got an email the next day getting the ball rolling again for the possibility of going over Spring Break.  I made a deal with God (not always the best idea) saying "Okay Lord, if the tickets are even a dollar over this amount, I am not going." After looking at tickets that were WELL below my deal breaker amount and I had nothing else to do but book the ticket 24 hours after getting the email.

Since January, the idea of me going to Paraguay hasn't seemed real. Even this week, with all the craziness that I had at APU, it still didn't seem real which made me anxious. So many thoughts went through my head. "You're not ready." "Your heart is not right." "You're not going to make a difference there, you have no itinerary, no one going with you, and nothing to offer these people." "You've run yourself dry in the busy-ness of school and work and choir." "Do you really think God wanted you to go? Or was that just another case of your wanderlust." "What if God doesn't have a purpose for you going?" All of these things just started to get my heart pumping and my mind wandering. I firmly believe the enemy is in full attack mode this week in regards to this trip. He wants these thoughts to take root in my heart and choke out the parts of me that know that there is a divine purpose in this trip. He wants to choke out the part of me that can't help but feel that this trip will be a defining moment in my life. Even if its just the fact that the Lord said go and I did my best to be obedient. I want to be a slave to the Lord, I want to trust him when he says go, and trust that not only will he provide a way for me to get there, but that he will give me turn by turn navigation through the process.

Today I sang the words to an Israel Houghton song called You Hold My World in Your Hands. The words touched me so deeply.

Take my heart
Lord, will you take my heart?
As I surrender to your will
I confess you are my righteousness
Until you move me
I'll be still, and know that you are God

You hold my world in your hands
I am amazed at your love, I am amazed that you love me
You hold my world in your hands
I'm not afraid, my world is safe in your hands

You won't let go of me
You will take care of me


I really like the line at the end of the verse that says "Until you move me, I'll be still."

So often I try and make things happen on my own. I think for the six months before January I wanted this trip to happen so badly for myself. I was held captive by my own will to do something important. It wasn't until I had decided to be still, surrender the trip, and not go, that the Lord decided to move me. As I go into this week, I want to surrender my will, my plans, my suitcase.... (I am really trying to carry on and any of you that know me or maybe read my blog about packing would know this is a big stretch), and my heart to the will of God. I want to trust that he WILL be my righteousness and take my life and my time there and mold it to his will.

So, if you're thinking about it. Shoot a prayer up at 11am tomorrow morning. Thats when my journey begins :) I can't wait to see what's in store!

This is Africa

We all came in search of something

Something we could see

An escape, a calling, a new life, an experience 

Whatever it may be

We came to taste the waters

To quench a hungry thirst

The undying need to see the world

Even at its worst

What we got was unexpected

And hard to grasp in hand

Our hearts were stopped and broken

But we began to breath again

We laughed, we cried, confronted a world of hurt

But in the end we've lived and been set free

Which was more than worth the work

Out worlds have become bigger 

With history, culture, and longing

But have also been made smaller

As our hearts for home begin throbbing

We are different, but this place it stays the same

It's life, it's sorry, the people it holds

Are all contained in its name

It's no longer an excuse for being late

An item lost, or a changed agenda 

We go home forever changed 

But this.. THIS IS AFRICA

As I go home I'm extremely sad. This experience has truly been life shaping. I would not trade this place with these people for anything in the world. The memories I've made here and the people that I would have never had the opportunity to meet have blessed me so much. They will always be in my heart and these friendships and the bond we have will continue for the rest of my life. Once again.. God has decided to bring change back into my life. A change of heart a change of scenery. But I've learned that if these experiences are the types of things change brings, change will be forever welcomed. I hope I stay in a constant season of change and The Lord continues to bring me to new places and throw me from new heights.

It's time to get back in the air again. I'm leaving the ground I've fallen in love with. But gravity no longer holds me down. This place has given me the wings to be free to fly. 

7 days and FREAKING OUT.

Friends friends friends! 

Just a small (it might not end up being small but I guess we'll find out) update from me here in the big zed A !! 

 I'll actually talk about South Africa in this one ;)

So much has happened in the last month. So much to be thankful for. So much to praise my beautiful and matchless creator for and so much to look back at and look forward to. I don't know of my appearance has changed much (other than the 10 lbs I've gained from croissants. I'm pretty sure you can literally see the outlines on my love handles they've just stuck there ;) but my heart is a complete 180 degree turn. 

As I mentioned in a past post, I had the incredible opportunity to serve for a month at Walk in the Light. The ministry is right in Haniville South Africa. Our WITL (whittle) team spent the month doing manual labor for the farm manager Bruce Taylor. His ministry is self sustaining and relies on the agricultural land and the harvest it provides for the ministry to be able to transport the people of Haniville to clinic and to receive their pensions. Bruce is an incredible man of God full of wisdom and grace with the kindest, softest heart. Our team fell in love with each other and in love with this ministry. We were able to clear over 5 acres of land by hand (well.. By machete.) This is how the bulk of our time was spent. We were also able to finish a roof and help with the harvest of rose geranium which is used for essential oils for shampoos, lotions, and perfumes. The family I made at WITL is so unique and diverse. Our goodbye was heart wrenching. Bruce, phindile, and snash were the last to leave on our final dinner and the waterfall of tears that flooded our entire group provided almost as much bonding as the entire month of working. I will never forget sweating, laughing, and working with this group. We are bonded for life. I left WITL knowing that someday I will be back. I can't wait for that day. 

Leaving AE was so sad. It really had become our home and going down that road the final time felt like the beginning of the end. Travel week was a blur. The clearest moment being jumping off the highest bungee bridge in the world. In the month leading up to this moment I decided to be quite possibly the most cliche person in the world. I decided that the moment I jumped off that bridge, and I mean jump, no one was going to push me I was going to do it myself, I was going to be free. Jumping off that bridge was the most real way for me to set myself free. To set myself free from the last 20 years of my life of expectations from others, guilt, and the weight of my world. I had been begging The Lord to take these things from me, trying to learn how to surrender, how to give it up, and how to feel alive again. I decided to take the reigns and jump. And I did. I'm free. I've been set free. And my world is forever changed because of that moment. I feel like I'm going to watch the video of me jumping off and always remember what it felt like to set myself free, with no help except from The Lord himself. 

After that, life has been full of surprises. My time in Cape Town has been so full. I've gone shark cage diving, I've been hiking, I've gotten up before sunrise, swam in a lightning storm, seen a comedy show, been welcomed into a family for homestays, spent way too much money, celebrated my 21st birthday, and eaten a whole lot of good food. I'm full of friendship and full of fun. I've been filled, I've been reconciled, I've been free, I've been home. I love this place. If you asked me if I want to come home I would say no. Do I want to see all my loved ones at home? Of course! I miss them all terribly. But do I want to leave this place? 100% no. I've never fallen in love with a country as much as I have with South Africa. I'm forever free and forever changed by the story and the people in this country. 

Now that the sentimental part is over, just a few housekeeping items. My computer is dead... I got a bucket of water dumped on me at walk in the light and it's been out of commission since. I've only just realized that I can write posts on my phone. Huzzah!!!! I almost lost my phone to water damage as well when I decided it would be a good idea to bring it on a run in a terrential downpour.. Thank goodness for rice! Sorry that I'm clumsy and dumb.. 

Anyway that's my update I'm sorry I've been out of touch. It's been crazy here. 

Love you all! 

#ForeverAlone... Maybe

I joke about this a lot. I really do. #foreveralone #singlegirlproblems. I like to pretend that I know what it's like to actually have love fail me so miserably that a healthy, full, and loving relationship will somehow never happen for me. Sure, I have been through my bout with love, relational and romantic and have come out with some doubts. There have been times where I have definitely loved claim this for myself and have fully identified myself on the list of people that "don't need a man" because "I've got two... Ben and Jerry" (half-baked is my favorite.. the ice cream not the state of mind.) I have also had times where I fully believe that I'm one of those people that will go through their entire life with nothing but a house full of cats to show for it (not that that's not a full and happy life, I'm just saying. Spinster status.) If I'm truly honest with myself though, I've always known that there is hope somewhere in my cynical body. UNTIL RECENTLY... like fricken ten minutes ago. Okay that's a bit dramatic, but really.

Get this. So I'm applying for a music internship overseas for this next summer. It's an amazing opportunity to mix music with ministry, something I would love to do for the rest of my life. But anyway, as part of the application, I was required to assess my spiritual gifts. I was really excited to do this because ever since my trip to Thailand this summer I've been on a personal quest to find them out. I firmly believe that in order for me to be effective in the body of Christ, I have to know my gifts and operate on them in whatever capacity I can. The results of this assessment were a true shock to me. 

Top on the list, with the least shock value but worth noting, was the gift of leadership. Although this is not as much a shock as the other two maybe, I was still a bit shocked. It has seemed for a long time that my leadership bone in my body was on a bit of a sabbatical since high school. I was definitely more comfortable taking leadership roles in high school but since coming to college and being placed in a context where there were many others much more qualified in almost every area, I've been a bit shy to take responsibility. Okay that's a slight fabrication. If I'm being honest, I've been lazy the last two years. I've seen the other people that have taken leadership and said to myself that I'm not as qualified and therefore I have a right to be lazy and sit on my butt while other people get the work done. I've been under-motivated. After having a summer for the books, in both positive and negative ways, I think I've finally come to grips with that leadership bone and have found myself looking for ways to use it in effective ways. 

Anyway, number three on my top three was the gift of missionary. I found this to be extremely interesting because all my life I think I've been running like Jonah from a call from God to go. I've always said that I "want to do the Lord's work, but I don't think that missionary work is my call."  This is the biggest load of crap and a total excuse. To be completely honest with myself and God and you all, being a missionary scares the poop out of me.  I don't think I have the faith, I don't think I have the courage, I don't know if I have the motivation, I don't think I have the strength, I don't think I have the talent, and I certainly don't think I have God figured out enough to share it with anyone, let alone make my life out of it. I don't want to go. Sure, I want to travel, and I want to help other people. But why is there a divide in my head between that and being a missionary? I haven't figured that one out yet, but until I do, I guess I should ask God to use that gift in whatever capacity he finds me capable of at the moment. 

As you might have noticed, I skipped number two on my trifecta of spiritual gifts. This literally made me want to laugh, but it was one of those laughs that eventually turns to tears because you realize that you shouldn't be laughing because as it turns out, you're kind of pathetic. It's like that one time I was discussing Rapunzel's hair with someone back stage at Celebrate Christmas. I was talking about how beautiful the scene is with the lanterns and Flynn and them singing together, and her hair and how long and blonde it is..... and then I just start laughing at myself because I'm literally describing a cartoon like she's my best friend and eventually huge tears start rolling down my face, not because I'm laughing so hard but because I'm literally crying at the thought of Rapunzel's blonde hair, which made me cry even more because why the heck am I that pathetic that I would be that obsessed with a cartoon character (sorry Tangled, you're so great.) Anyway, tangent over, lets get to this spiritual gift. Here it is, the second highest number on my spiritual gifts assessment: CELIBACY. Excuse me? Is that even a spiritual gift? and if it is.. WHY? What does that even mean? I mean... I know what it means I think we all do.. but... REALLY? Should my #foreveralone be turned into #foreveroperatingonmyspiritualgift? Some of the questions on this assessment started to make a whole lot more sense. I guess my independence and my refusal to be stifled or controlled by relationship translated to this assessment as "I want to be single for the rest of my life." This is of course not the case, but I guess the more I think about it the more I'm realizing that I really don't have strong feelings at this point in time for either side of this. The fact that I might actually be good at being alone doesn't terrify me. It doesn't devastate me, or crush my dream of kissing in the rain, or dying next to a husband that refuses to let me go without him. But it also doesn't empower me in a negative way. Personally, this realization that I might have a gift that leaves me alone in the romantic sense doesn't mean I'm going to stop searching for real love and fully identify with this assessment. As much as I may joke about it, and sometimes seriously believe it, I haven't given up on the dream of walking down the aisle in a white dress next to my daddy, or waiting to give myself to my husband for the very first time on our wedding night. Of course, first on the list of this search for true love has to be the love of my Father in heaven. For the longest time, as my cynicism started to grow and I started to tell myself that I didn't need love, I tried to tell myself that I didn't need God's love either, but that is one love that I could NEVER be celibate from, even if I tried. But, I also cannot believe that God calls people to stop being in or searching for relationship. 

So.. in the section "how have you used these spiritual gifts" I had to be honest and say.. I have NO idea what this gift means in my life. For now I think it means that I have a gift of being independent? Maybe? I'm still young and celibate is not a term I'm willing to claim at nearly 21 years of age so we'll go with independent. I'm still laughing at this and choosing not to take it completely to heart because I know this assessment is not the be all and end all of my spiritual gifts but it made for some interesting food for thought. 

Blessings to all and I encourage you to #searchoutyourgifts #youmightfindsomethinghilarious

6 Weeks Have Never Gone Faster

It's Sunday night, the end of six weeks here in South Africa. The last six weeks have definitely been a roller coaster. I think I came into this experience knowing that it was going to go fast but I don't think I was near prepared for what's happening. I literally go to bed each night sad because another day is gone but happy for all that I am blessed with. The six weeks of school went so fast. Although they were literally ridiculous at times between reading, papers, tests, and procrastination, somehow sitting at the end having taken my finals and ready to move into the next stage of my journey it feels like it was just yesterday that received that huge stack of books. Just some highlights in the last couple of weeks: A beach trip to Durban and a dip in the Indian Ocean. The homecoming dance. I don't think any of you can understand the amount of crazy that 50 people can create with tribal paint and some good music. A hike through the Drakensburg mountains. Zip lining through the South African Karkloof forest canopy. The Drakensburg Boys Choir. I don't know how those boys do it. Finals week got to us and our study break consisted in sliding down the hill covered in soap in 50 degree pouring rain at 11 at night. FINALS DONE. All I have left is a paper :) PRAISE.

Anyway, my next adventure starts tomorrow. We begin service sites.  I'll be working at an organization called Walk in the Light with an amazing group of people that I am so excited to serve with! In our chapel on Friday we had the opportunity to journal and reflect, or I guess you could say pre-flect ;) on the experience that we are about to enter into. I guess I wanted to share some of my pre-flections.

1. What are your expectations for service sites and what do you hope to happen?

I think I am expecting to be challenged in every aspect. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'm expecting to make relationships and see things that are hard to see but that will ultimately shape more of my worldview. I'm expecting to serve and be healed through that. I'm hoping to come out a different person than I am now. I want to experience love. God's love for his people, and his love for me. I want to step out of my boat and be taken places I've never been with God.

2. What are your fears and anxieties about service sites?

My biggest fear is that I won't be effective. That I won't take full advantage of this opportunity and that I will shut myself off to God and his work because of fear. 

3. What do you expect to get/what do you expect the people you are serving to get out of this experience. 

I expect to get a better worldview and a new set of eyes that ultimately will change the eyes of my heart as well. I want to have better eyes to see those in needs and I want to have a passion to go. That word go is always on my heart and I expect to explore that. I would hope that they would get my friendship and with the help of the Holy Spirit, a call on their life and that they would know the love of their father.

4. Is there anything that you need to lay aside?

My old self. I need to make way for who I am in Christ

My anger

My fear

My comfort

Most importantly, MY EXPECTATIONS.

I think that last one was the thing that hit me the most. I looked at all I had written and realized that although all of it had good intentions, I need to lay it aside in order to be effective. In order to accomplish ANYTHING, I have to lay down EVERYTHING at the feet of Jesus and ask him to use me. In my quiet time I wrote this poem sort of thing that I wanted to share because it's a question I ask myself almost every day. 

Am I enough?

Am I brave enough to fall?

Do I love enough to leave?

Do I have enough to be content with nothing?

Is my faith enough to move my mountains?

Am I free enough to shackle myself to eternity?

Do I trust enough to step out of my boat?

Am I humble enough to lead?

Am I enough to go?

Am I enough to serve?

Is my brokenness enough to heal someone else's?

Am I known enough to be loved?

Do I wonder enough to doubt?

Am I secure enough to change?

But most importantly am I wise enough to know that the answer to all of this is no?

And can I ever be thankful enough that even though I will never be enough, there is One who is?

I'm so excited for this next section of my time in South Africa. I fall in love with this country, the people in it, and the people that I came with more and more every day. I could not ask for a better opportunity and I cherish each day and each moment knowing that it won't last forever.