This is Africa

We all came in search of something

Something we could see

An escape, a calling, a new life, an experience 

Whatever it may be

We came to taste the waters

To quench a hungry thirst

The undying need to see the world

Even at its worst

What we got was unexpected

And hard to grasp in hand

Our hearts were stopped and broken

But we began to breath again

We laughed, we cried, confronted a world of hurt

But in the end we've lived and been set free

Which was more than worth the work

Out worlds have become bigger 

With history, culture, and longing

But have also been made smaller

As our hearts for home begin throbbing

We are different, but this place it stays the same

It's life, it's sorry, the people it holds

Are all contained in its name

It's no longer an excuse for being late

An item lost, or a changed agenda 

We go home forever changed 

But this.. THIS IS AFRICA

As I go home I'm extremely sad. This experience has truly been life shaping. I would not trade this place with these people for anything in the world. The memories I've made here and the people that I would have never had the opportunity to meet have blessed me so much. They will always be in my heart and these friendships and the bond we have will continue for the rest of my life. Once again.. God has decided to bring change back into my life. A change of heart a change of scenery. But I've learned that if these experiences are the types of things change brings, change will be forever welcomed. I hope I stay in a constant season of change and The Lord continues to bring me to new places and throw me from new heights.

It's time to get back in the air again. I'm leaving the ground I've fallen in love with. But gravity no longer holds me down. This place has given me the wings to be free to fly. 

7 days and FREAKING OUT.

Friends friends friends! 

Just a small (it might not end up being small but I guess we'll find out) update from me here in the big zed A !! 

 I'll actually talk about South Africa in this one ;)

So much has happened in the last month. So much to be thankful for. So much to praise my beautiful and matchless creator for and so much to look back at and look forward to. I don't know of my appearance has changed much (other than the 10 lbs I've gained from croissants. I'm pretty sure you can literally see the outlines on my love handles they've just stuck there ;) but my heart is a complete 180 degree turn. 

As I mentioned in a past post, I had the incredible opportunity to serve for a month at Walk in the Light. The ministry is right in Haniville South Africa. Our WITL (whittle) team spent the month doing manual labor for the farm manager Bruce Taylor. His ministry is self sustaining and relies on the agricultural land and the harvest it provides for the ministry to be able to transport the people of Haniville to clinic and to receive their pensions. Bruce is an incredible man of God full of wisdom and grace with the kindest, softest heart. Our team fell in love with each other and in love with this ministry. We were able to clear over 5 acres of land by hand (well.. By machete.) This is how the bulk of our time was spent. We were also able to finish a roof and help with the harvest of rose geranium which is used for essential oils for shampoos, lotions, and perfumes. The family I made at WITL is so unique and diverse. Our goodbye was heart wrenching. Bruce, phindile, and snash were the last to leave on our final dinner and the waterfall of tears that flooded our entire group provided almost as much bonding as the entire month of working. I will never forget sweating, laughing, and working with this group. We are bonded for life. I left WITL knowing that someday I will be back. I can't wait for that day. 

Leaving AE was so sad. It really had become our home and going down that road the final time felt like the beginning of the end. Travel week was a blur. The clearest moment being jumping off the highest bungee bridge in the world. In the month leading up to this moment I decided to be quite possibly the most cliche person in the world. I decided that the moment I jumped off that bridge, and I mean jump, no one was going to push me I was going to do it myself, I was going to be free. Jumping off that bridge was the most real way for me to set myself free. To set myself free from the last 20 years of my life of expectations from others, guilt, and the weight of my world. I had been begging The Lord to take these things from me, trying to learn how to surrender, how to give it up, and how to feel alive again. I decided to take the reigns and jump. And I did. I'm free. I've been set free. And my world is forever changed because of that moment. I feel like I'm going to watch the video of me jumping off and always remember what it felt like to set myself free, with no help except from The Lord himself. 

After that, life has been full of surprises. My time in Cape Town has been so full. I've gone shark cage diving, I've been hiking, I've gotten up before sunrise, swam in a lightning storm, seen a comedy show, been welcomed into a family for homestays, spent way too much money, celebrated my 21st birthday, and eaten a whole lot of good food. I'm full of friendship and full of fun. I've been filled, I've been reconciled, I've been free, I've been home. I love this place. If you asked me if I want to come home I would say no. Do I want to see all my loved ones at home? Of course! I miss them all terribly. But do I want to leave this place? 100% no. I've never fallen in love with a country as much as I have with South Africa. I'm forever free and forever changed by the story and the people in this country. 

Now that the sentimental part is over, just a few housekeeping items. My computer is dead... I got a bucket of water dumped on me at walk in the light and it's been out of commission since. I've only just realized that I can write posts on my phone. Huzzah!!!! I almost lost my phone to water damage as well when I decided it would be a good idea to bring it on a run in a terrential downpour.. Thank goodness for rice! Sorry that I'm clumsy and dumb.. 

Anyway that's my update I'm sorry I've been out of touch. It's been crazy here. 

Love you all! 

#ForeverAlone... Maybe

I joke about this a lot. I really do. #foreveralone #singlegirlproblems. I like to pretend that I know what it's like to actually have love fail me so miserably that a healthy, full, and loving relationship will somehow never happen for me. Sure, I have been through my bout with love, relational and romantic and have come out with some doubts. There have been times where I have definitely loved claim this for myself and have fully identified myself on the list of people that "don't need a man" because "I've got two... Ben and Jerry" (half-baked is my favorite.. the ice cream not the state of mind.) I have also had times where I fully believe that I'm one of those people that will go through their entire life with nothing but a house full of cats to show for it (not that that's not a full and happy life, I'm just saying. Spinster status.) If I'm truly honest with myself though, I've always known that there is hope somewhere in my cynical body. UNTIL RECENTLY... like fricken ten minutes ago. Okay that's a bit dramatic, but really.

Get this. So I'm applying for a music internship overseas for this next summer. It's an amazing opportunity to mix music with ministry, something I would love to do for the rest of my life. But anyway, as part of the application, I was required to assess my spiritual gifts. I was really excited to do this because ever since my trip to Thailand this summer I've been on a personal quest to find them out. I firmly believe that in order for me to be effective in the body of Christ, I have to know my gifts and operate on them in whatever capacity I can. The results of this assessment were a true shock to me. 

Top on the list, with the least shock value but worth noting, was the gift of leadership. Although this is not as much a shock as the other two maybe, I was still a bit shocked. It has seemed for a long time that my leadership bone in my body was on a bit of a sabbatical since high school. I was definitely more comfortable taking leadership roles in high school but since coming to college and being placed in a context where there were many others much more qualified in almost every area, I've been a bit shy to take responsibility. Okay that's a slight fabrication. If I'm being honest, I've been lazy the last two years. I've seen the other people that have taken leadership and said to myself that I'm not as qualified and therefore I have a right to be lazy and sit on my butt while other people get the work done. I've been under-motivated. After having a summer for the books, in both positive and negative ways, I think I've finally come to grips with that leadership bone and have found myself looking for ways to use it in effective ways. 

Anyway, number three on my top three was the gift of missionary. I found this to be extremely interesting because all my life I think I've been running like Jonah from a call from God to go. I've always said that I "want to do the Lord's work, but I don't think that missionary work is my call."  This is the biggest load of crap and a total excuse. To be completely honest with myself and God and you all, being a missionary scares the poop out of me.  I don't think I have the faith, I don't think I have the courage, I don't know if I have the motivation, I don't think I have the strength, I don't think I have the talent, and I certainly don't think I have God figured out enough to share it with anyone, let alone make my life out of it. I don't want to go. Sure, I want to travel, and I want to help other people. But why is there a divide in my head between that and being a missionary? I haven't figured that one out yet, but until I do, I guess I should ask God to use that gift in whatever capacity he finds me capable of at the moment. 

As you might have noticed, I skipped number two on my trifecta of spiritual gifts. This literally made me want to laugh, but it was one of those laughs that eventually turns to tears because you realize that you shouldn't be laughing because as it turns out, you're kind of pathetic. It's like that one time I was discussing Rapunzel's hair with someone back stage at Celebrate Christmas. I was talking about how beautiful the scene is with the lanterns and Flynn and them singing together, and her hair and how long and blonde it is..... and then I just start laughing at myself because I'm literally describing a cartoon like she's my best friend and eventually huge tears start rolling down my face, not because I'm laughing so hard but because I'm literally crying at the thought of Rapunzel's blonde hair, which made me cry even more because why the heck am I that pathetic that I would be that obsessed with a cartoon character (sorry Tangled, you're so great.) Anyway, tangent over, lets get to this spiritual gift. Here it is, the second highest number on my spiritual gifts assessment: CELIBACY. Excuse me? Is that even a spiritual gift? and if it is.. WHY? What does that even mean? I mean... I know what it means I think we all do.. but... REALLY? Should my #foreveralone be turned into #foreveroperatingonmyspiritualgift? Some of the questions on this assessment started to make a whole lot more sense. I guess my independence and my refusal to be stifled or controlled by relationship translated to this assessment as "I want to be single for the rest of my life." This is of course not the case, but I guess the more I think about it the more I'm realizing that I really don't have strong feelings at this point in time for either side of this. The fact that I might actually be good at being alone doesn't terrify me. It doesn't devastate me, or crush my dream of kissing in the rain, or dying next to a husband that refuses to let me go without him. But it also doesn't empower me in a negative way. Personally, this realization that I might have a gift that leaves me alone in the romantic sense doesn't mean I'm going to stop searching for real love and fully identify with this assessment. As much as I may joke about it, and sometimes seriously believe it, I haven't given up on the dream of walking down the aisle in a white dress next to my daddy, or waiting to give myself to my husband for the very first time on our wedding night. Of course, first on the list of this search for true love has to be the love of my Father in heaven. For the longest time, as my cynicism started to grow and I started to tell myself that I didn't need love, I tried to tell myself that I didn't need God's love either, but that is one love that I could NEVER be celibate from, even if I tried. But, I also cannot believe that God calls people to stop being in or searching for relationship. 

So.. in the section "how have you used these spiritual gifts" I had to be honest and say.. I have NO idea what this gift means in my life. For now I think it means that I have a gift of being independent? Maybe? I'm still young and celibate is not a term I'm willing to claim at nearly 21 years of age so we'll go with independent. I'm still laughing at this and choosing not to take it completely to heart because I know this assessment is not the be all and end all of my spiritual gifts but it made for some interesting food for thought. 

Blessings to all and I encourage you to #searchoutyourgifts #youmightfindsomethinghilarious

6 Weeks Have Never Gone Faster

It's Sunday night, the end of six weeks here in South Africa. The last six weeks have definitely been a roller coaster. I think I came into this experience knowing that it was going to go fast but I don't think I was near prepared for what's happening. I literally go to bed each night sad because another day is gone but happy for all that I am blessed with. The six weeks of school went so fast. Although they were literally ridiculous at times between reading, papers, tests, and procrastination, somehow sitting at the end having taken my finals and ready to move into the next stage of my journey it feels like it was just yesterday that received that huge stack of books. Just some highlights in the last couple of weeks: A beach trip to Durban and a dip in the Indian Ocean. The homecoming dance. I don't think any of you can understand the amount of crazy that 50 people can create with tribal paint and some good music. A hike through the Drakensburg mountains. Zip lining through the South African Karkloof forest canopy. The Drakensburg Boys Choir. I don't know how those boys do it. Finals week got to us and our study break consisted in sliding down the hill covered in soap in 50 degree pouring rain at 11 at night. FINALS DONE. All I have left is a paper :) PRAISE.

Anyway, my next adventure starts tomorrow. We begin service sites.  I'll be working at an organization called Walk in the Light with an amazing group of people that I am so excited to serve with! In our chapel on Friday we had the opportunity to journal and reflect, or I guess you could say pre-flect ;) on the experience that we are about to enter into. I guess I wanted to share some of my pre-flections.

1. What are your expectations for service sites and what do you hope to happen?

I think I am expecting to be challenged in every aspect. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'm expecting to make relationships and see things that are hard to see but that will ultimately shape more of my worldview. I'm expecting to serve and be healed through that. I'm hoping to come out a different person than I am now. I want to experience love. God's love for his people, and his love for me. I want to step out of my boat and be taken places I've never been with God.

2. What are your fears and anxieties about service sites?

My biggest fear is that I won't be effective. That I won't take full advantage of this opportunity and that I will shut myself off to God and his work because of fear. 

3. What do you expect to get/what do you expect the people you are serving to get out of this experience. 

I expect to get a better worldview and a new set of eyes that ultimately will change the eyes of my heart as well. I want to have better eyes to see those in needs and I want to have a passion to go. That word go is always on my heart and I expect to explore that. I would hope that they would get my friendship and with the help of the Holy Spirit, a call on their life and that they would know the love of their father.

4. Is there anything that you need to lay aside?

My old self. I need to make way for who I am in Christ

My anger

My fear

My comfort

Most importantly, MY EXPECTATIONS.

I think that last one was the thing that hit me the most. I looked at all I had written and realized that although all of it had good intentions, I need to lay it aside in order to be effective. In order to accomplish ANYTHING, I have to lay down EVERYTHING at the feet of Jesus and ask him to use me. In my quiet time I wrote this poem sort of thing that I wanted to share because it's a question I ask myself almost every day. 

Am I enough?

Am I brave enough to fall?

Do I love enough to leave?

Do I have enough to be content with nothing?

Is my faith enough to move my mountains?

Am I free enough to shackle myself to eternity?

Do I trust enough to step out of my boat?

Am I humble enough to lead?

Am I enough to go?

Am I enough to serve?

Is my brokenness enough to heal someone else's?

Am I known enough to be loved?

Do I wonder enough to doubt?

Am I secure enough to change?

But most importantly am I wise enough to know that the answer to all of this is no?

And can I ever be thankful enough that even though I will never be enough, there is One who is?

I'm so excited for this next section of my time in South Africa. I fall in love with this country, the people in it, and the people that I came with more and more every day. I could not ask for a better opportunity and I cherish each day and each moment knowing that it won't last forever. 

Bittersweet

I've been keeping a journal of highs and lows of every day that I'm here in Africa. Along with a my roses and thorns, each day I try to write something that I think God showed me about himself through that day and the challenges and joys it brought. Today, what I learned was too good to keep locked in a journal that only I will ever see. I have been blessed to be a part of a D group through this semester. Our D group focus is on De-briefing on things we experience here and what we learn as we come face to face with suffering and joy. Today one of our leaders sent out this quote as a taste about our subject matter for this evening. Everything about this quote speaks life into my life. If you've read my first blog post, you'll find that this relates almost directly to my destruction of home and comfortability. It comes from a book called Bittersweet that is now on my reading list for sure.

"This is what I've come to believe about change: it's good, in the way that childbirth is good, and heartbreak is good, and failure is good. By that I mean that it's incredibly painful, exponentially more so if you fight it, and also that it has the potential to open you up, to open life up, to deliver you right into the palm of God's hand, which is where you wanted to be all along, except that you were too busy pushing and pulling your life into exactly what you thought it should be. I've learned the hard way that change is one of God's greatest gifts, and most useful tools. Change can push us, pull us, rebuke and remake us. It can show us who we've become, in the worst ways, and also in the best ways. I've learned that it's not something to run away from, as though we could, and that in many cases, change is a function of God's graciousness, not life's cruelty."

I thoroughly believe that this quote pretty much speaks for itself but I do have a few little tidbits. I have tried to fight change all my life. I really do believe that this fight is what has made change so difficult for me to cope with. But, the woman who wrote this quote hit the nail on the head when she said that change has the potential to open you up, and to open life up. Change in my life has opened up my life. It's opened up myself. It's opened the possibilities of what life could be like up to me. When I think back on my life even at (almost) 21, I think about all the amazing things that I've been able to do. I realized that all of these things involved a change. My switch to drama in high school involved a huge change of friends and time spent and it turned out to be my some of my best memories of high school. My change from Lynden to Azusa involved a giant change of scenery and community. Kristi's and my decision to go to Europe included a change into a more global mindset that has forever altered the way we process. My change into an approachable human being (still in progress) has required a whole lot of effort on my part.  My decision to do Chamber last year involved a change of original plans, but this turned into one if not THE best experience I have had in college yet. This semester and my decision to come here required me to make a big decision about changing my friends, changing myself, and changing my outlook on life. Everything good that I've done and anything good that I have become has been a result of change and I am so much better for it. I've taken risks, tried and failed, gained and lost, loved and been devastated. All this change has dropped me on my knees at Jesus' feet and he's taken me into his hand which is where I want to be and want to live forever. I realized that change has brought me some of my best experiences, some of my best qualities, and ultimately some of God's greatest blessings. Change has also weeded out some of my biggest flaws and drudged up my past in ways that have been more painful than I can bear at times. It's like a garden. I've weeded these things out but sometimes I weed them out only to replant them and let them take root in me again. Instead of replanting them, I need to cut the roots off so they have no means to grow and throw them back on the garden. I can't take them away because they are a part of who I am but my flaws and my past can be used for such a greater purpose than polluting the garden of fruit that the Lord is trying to grow in me. They can be used as compost, to re-nourish the ground so that the right kinds of fruit will grow out of them.

God is gracious. I cannot escape change. But if change will let me explore all that I am and all that I can be, I don't think I want to escape. Even though I hate it at times, change will continue to take me away which is where I feel most comfortable.

Remember Why You Came Here.

Today was literally the best day ever and I will tell you why. Today was our first field trip for our Biology class and wow was it exciting! We left AE after tea time and drove about 45 minutes to a conservation site in the Pietermaritzburg area. Caryn, our teacher sat us down to explain the "must knows" of our day in the reserve. She then told us what to do if a deadly snake bites us. In her words "Stay away from snakes, even if they are not poisonous it's better to be alive and wrong than dead." hmmm comforting. She then told us what to do if we are cornered by a large cat. As the icing on the cake we found out that climbing a tree will only help if you are being charged by a buffalo. We were all looking at each other like.. is this girl for real? Now we are all a little apprehensive as to our choice to enroll in this class if these are "the basics". In Caryn's defense she did tell us that it was highly unlikely but I think even the suggestion of such things was enough to widen our eyes. Our first assignment when we got there? Climb a tree. I am definitely okay with this class from now on. So I climbed said tree, saw nature from a new vantage point, and got back down. Next assignment: Pick as many different species of grass that you can. This turned into an adventure down to a waterfall which I was more than okay with. 

After tasting aloe (don't do it its disgusting and it tastes like that stuff you put on your nails to get rid of a biting habit) we were dropped off on the edge of a cliff to have some quiet time. 30 min alone with African nature in your sight. I was so blessed by this time. I got to worship, write, read, and pray for 30 minutes alone with my God. It's been so difficult to be alone the past week simply because there are so many fun things to do. These things aren't wrong but what really hit me was what Caryn said to us after. We are sitting under a tree as a class and she says, "Do you know that each one of you came here for a purpose?" That hit me. I have not doubted that God has put me in South Africa for a purpose but hearing one of my professors say it so clearly was incredible. She then went on to tell us that we are going to get busy (check) and we are going to forget what quiet time feels like. We are going to be running on empty and then try to give more of ourselves and that just won't work. Caryn reminded all of us to remember why we came here. Even when we are up to our noses in books and assignments because we are trying to do 15 weeks of school in 6. Even when we are trying to decide which hike to go on, which group to join, and what things to plan. We can't forget to stay quiet with God so he can speak. The thing I like about Caryn is how she does faith integration. Instead of asking us to write a 2 page reflection on how God fits into the class we are taking, Caryn started out the class telling us about faith integration herself. Then, she backed it up today. Caryn's version of faith integration was faith action. It was putting into action the fact that God and biology fit perfectly. They don't contradict. Faith integration is not an add on at the end of the semester. It's not trying to use a Gsus chord as faith integration ;) It's something that permeates the entire class and I think the speech from Caryn was asking us to keep her accountable. I felt like she was asking us to remind her when the class gets hard and we might possibly be failing, that we are here for a much bigger purpose. 

After this, we walked up the hill to play some games. "Games" in South Africa are much different. It turns out games included seeing how far you can SPIT a piece of impala poop. Yep.. I stuck THAT in my mouth. And almost won too! If it weren't for the one boy in the class. Dumb boys. I swear you are all born with the innate ability to be gross. Whoops. Then we played a lovely game of river land which is sort of like Simon says and finally as we walked up the hill we played a game of camouflage a high speed version of hide and seek. 

Now here's the best part. As we continued walking we ran into two giraffe. For those of you who may not know, I am obsessed with giraffe. They are by far my favorite animals. I don't know if I can put into words how excited I was to see these two little guys. They were far from little but they were majestic. I wish that I could have sat there all day and just looked at them to see their blue tongues and watch them interact. I cried. Giraffe were the one thing I knew I HAD to see in Africa and I saw them in the first week. How cool is that? As we were walking back to the bus I got to thinking about why I like giraffe so much. Aside from them being incredibly beautiful and having blue tongues which is awesome I wasn't so sure. I have always heard that "giraffe have the biggest heart" which sounded so cheesy to me but today I realized that is why I like them so much. Giraffe have the biggest heart because their heart has to pump their blood through their whole body all the way to their head and their brain. It must be powerful! I realized today that I want to be like a giraffe and sometimes I am which can be a good thing or a bad thing. I want my heart to be so big because I have so many places that I would like to pump the life and love that I have out to, but this also makes me gangly and clumsy like giraffe are often seen.  I make mistakes, I fall, I pump too much blood to one spot and it gets an ache. I know this about myself. But I HOPE that someday someone will look at me and see the big heart that I have and find it endearing and not exhausting. 

There's my two cents for the day :) Another amazing day in Africa. This place is stealing my heart :)

Peace, Blessings, Love

Kendra

Am I a Blogger Yet?

Sanibonani from Africa!

Well, welcome to you all! I feel sort of bad because this is what.. my 4th post on this blog? And this is the first one that will serve the purpose of an update. Not because the other stuff I have had to say hasn't been extremely riveting and of utmost importance, but I guess I have cut to the chase. 

So. It's been an extremely long three days. The only word that comes to mind is whirlwind. That's what this has been. Frick me. The amount of information, visual, aural, sensual, tastical ;) that I have been given in the last days has been out of this world. The travel time to this beautiful place was simultaneously the best and the worst travel experience I have had so far. After a week in Azusa staying up late, singing way too much, and not taking care of my body, I left Tuesday night sicker than a dog. I got on that plane and for the next 36 hours I was coughing, sneezing, and crying (due to the pressure in my ears during the 5 different take offs and landings that we did) That sounds pretty bad, but I guess the best part was that it helped me sleep literally almost the entire time. I watched two movies and the rest of the time I slept on and off. As far as meeting people, it's been a bit of a struggle. I swear people here think I'm a space cadet because when I WASN'T sleeping, I was staring off into the distance, usually someone else was in that distance somewhere which probably caused a lot of questions. Why is this creepy blonde girl staring at me? And why does she look so angry?

But I made it! I'm in Africa. It feels so weird but so amazing to finally be here. I've been dreaming about this experience literally for 3 years and study abroad for much longer. We arrived in Johannesburg (the locals call it Jo-burg) in the evening. We've all noticed that the days are much shorter in this hemisphere. It's spring right now so I'm guessing they'll get longer? We had a short drive to our hotel for the night. All of us passed out after a chicken dinner. The next day we awoke to a tour of Soweto (getting its name from SOuth WEstern TOwnship). This is where a lot of the uprisings leading to the abolition of the apartheid government took place. This place is unique to any place I've ever been. I've seen contrast in cities before but not like this. On one side of the street there would be million dollar homes with huge rock walls and security systems. Cross the street and you have shacks with roofs held down by toilets. We ate lunch at a cute little buffet on a side street. After the meal the bus pulls away from the door and these guys show up! 

We got an awesome traditional African dance performance! After leaving Soweto we headed back to the airport for our flight to Durban. Upon arrival we were ushered into another van for an hour and 15 min drive to our home on the African Enterprise in Pietermaritzburg. We had a late dinner and got settled in to our new rooms. I have the pleasure of living with Laura Tice. The cutest nursing major you will ever meet. She likes Tangled, thinks Sleeping Beauty is lame, and we both agree Snow White needs a new haircut and a less annoying voice. I think we will be fine on all other issues. I got my room set up and made into a home :) Here's my side of the room!

It feels like home :) 

After last night we had a full day of orientation today, including tea time. We got to hear about all the amazing things we get to do and see this semester. I don't wanna spoil any of the fun so I'll just wait and update as we go. It'll be more fun that way anyway. Then we got our books.. Literally the worst. I totally forgot that we actually had to study here. Our semester is squished into 6 weeks making it VERY intense. If you're on Instagram you saw my HUGE stack of books that I'll be reading this semester. LOVE YOU APU. I guess it makes it slightly better that I can read these books in a tree, or next to this.

Yeah thats real. 

We had our first trip to the Liberty Mall to get supplies and our first exploration of the nature reserve. Our first zebra sighting. We discovered Rugby. I decided that I am okay with Rugby. There are a bunch of attractive, very fit, young men running around and they DON'T have pads or helmets to cover up their beauty. I'm a fan. Go Sharks?

I'm having an amazing time here so far. God is so good to me. Today Reg said that his country and this continent has the tendency to pull at people's heart strings and to change them forever. I know this is already happening so I can't imagine what I'm going to be like at the end of this. Today my reminder came from Jesus Calling. Today's devotion reminded me that the Lord delights in me. He delights in who I am and nothing especially not guilt can condemn me for I am clothed in him. I know I need to start to shed myself including my guilt in order for people to see the real me. I cannot punish myself for my past. I can only revel in the present and hope for the future. 

Sharp Sharp!

Kendy

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

I figured that since my last post had to do with the people I meet, I should follow with the places I will go. I've read this poem many times in the last 10 days and even 3 times just before I decided to post it. This poem holds so much significance to me. I read every line and I find meaning in each one no matter the rhyme. If you know me, I think you'll read it too and see the story of my life. And now, today is my day. I'm off to places. Places that I've dreamt of going before I knew where I wanted to go. I'm on my own. And I'm afraid. But I'm done living in the waiting place. I'm done waiting. I'm going. In fact, I'm gone.  

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets.  Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry.  Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored.  there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame!  You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

Oh The People You Will Meet

Hey Y'all. So I've been waiting to post this because of internet struggles but here's my two cents from my travel day a couple days ago. I've had the opportunity to reunite and sing with some of my favorite people this week but this interaction really set the stage for an amazing week :)

I woke up this morning, at 4:30 nonetheless, thinking that it I was just going to have another travel day. Another wait in the airport. Another ginger ale. Another bag of peanuts. My first plane experience happened in the third grade. I was so excited I could barely stand it. After the last 3 years of my life, getting on a plane has lost its "Christmas morning" feeling. Sure, I still get excited about the places I go but after multiple 36 hour travel days, 11 hour flights, and layovers that are five hours too long, plane rides have sort of lost their shine. After two years at Azusa, flights to California have become like a drive to Bellingham, piece of cake right?

I have heard so many friends and family members talk to me about the people they meet on airplanes. There are the horribly inconsiderate people that leave you squished against the window with no arm rest, and no leg room due to their oversized "personal" carry on item. There are those poor souls that venture into the abyss and bring an infant on the plane. I feel so bad for these people. It's really not their fault that their baby is screaming their head off but you still want to shove them AND the baby into the overhead compartment in order to shut them up. There are those that somehow are given the gift (or the drugs) to being able to sleep the entire flight away. Some are quiet, some are preoccupied with work or their friends. You would think that with all the flights I have been on I would have many good conversations with interesting people, but I haven't. Until today.

Now, in defense of every person I've ever sat on on a plane, I don't fault you. It's totally my fault. I don't exactly present myself as an approachable person that someone would want to strike up a conversation with when I travel (or even when I'm not traveling I guess). It's hard to crack my shell! Today, after saying a beautiful but emotional goodbye to my parents, I got on the small plane that would take me to Portland and eventually on to California. I looked at my boarding pass and my seat number was 9A. Huzzah, a window seat, or so I thought. I got to the ninth row and there was an older woman sitting in my seat. I seriously considered saying something and claiming my rightful seat but in my head I just said "meh" and sat down. I had my headphones around my neck and was planning on putting them on and getting lost in some music or maybe falling asleep but then I heard a voice say, "I'm so tired." Yeah, lady we all are. But,  I decided to engage. I responded, "yeah, getting out of bed this morning was a real struggle." She laughed and started talking to me about her vacation that she was embarking on. She is 67 years old. Her longtime friend and roommate from college had called her and told her that she needed a vacation. So her and her two friends from college were headed down to Mexico for some much needed R&R. Boy, do I hope I get to do this someday. She told me about her family, her daughters and her grandchildren and her husband that had passed away. She told me about her mission work in the Philippines and we bonded over our mutual love for choral singing and choral music. She told me about her husband's illness and how, even through his illness, he wanted to do ministry so they would go together to Costco (if it was the Bellingham one, the Lord has a special place in heaven for her) or Fred Meyer and get in the longest line that they could find and start conversations with the people in front of them. They just couldn't live without doing some sort of work for the Lord. She told me about her daughters struggles with men and how difficult it is to find a selfless, giving, Christian husband these days. She started telling me a story from her young adulthood and immediately I started laughing in my head. This woman's life sounds like mine. The more the story progressed the more I realized that the things she had been through in her life were a mirror image of the circumstances in my life.  Me, being me, took the story and applied it to my life, even before she finished and I got so excited because I thought I knew exactly how her story was going to end and it was going to give me so much hope for me, but it didn't end the way I hoped. What I got was perspective. I felt so guilty knowing that the same feelings and pain she had been through was something that I could have possibly given to others. I didn't like this story. There was forgiveness and she found the world's happiness, but it wasn't the way I thought, or the way she thought I suspected. She had to wrestle with God, and wrestle with her own anger. She had to apologize to those she never thought she should ever have to answer to for actions that seemed only natural. 

As she basically spoke my own life to me I started to cry, right there on the plane with a woman who didn't even know my name. She looked at me and said "I knew the second you sat down, the look on your face, that you have things." She was right of course. She told me that as she was leaving for this trip she was talking to Grant Fishbook, her pastor at Christ the King in Bellingham, and she told him, I'm going to sit next to someone and share because I feel like God is going to use what I have to say. Again, she was right. after she told me her story she started talking about life's circumstances. I learned many things. 

I realized that all my life I have sat and waited for God to do something amazing with my life. I still don't doubt he will, but like I did with this story, I have always jumped to conclusions. I think I have what God is doing figured out and I get over excited only to have my hopes dashed. This leaves me with questions. As I got on the plane this morning I was listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Questions". The first verse of this song says "Who are you God? For you are turning out to be so much different than I imagined. And where are you God? For I'm finding life to be so much harder than I planned." I think the hardest thing about the things I've been through are not the circumstances in themselves. People go through these things all the time. I'm not unique and these situations really aren't the end of the world. The hardest part is that I have built up such an expectation for myself, the people around me, and the things I do, that when it all goes to shit, I'm left standing there baffled to try and pick up my the pieces. I have such a big heart and when it gets broken my whole world is rocked. What I don't realize is that the Lord is so much different than what I try to make him, and I'm a whole lot different than who I think I am. I'm still figuring out myself and I learn new things every day. I came to the realization that I need to find the deepest part of me. I have the surface sure figured out. I know my brain like the back of my hand, how I think, how I reason. But do I really know? Or have I stereotyped myself just like I do everyone else. Do I really know the deepest part of myself? The insecurities I have, the longings I have, the things I believe in, where my actions come from? And infinitely more important, I have realized that I need to send myself on a journey to the deepest part of God. I know the surface. I know the stories. I know more than the stories. I have a relationship. I know my faith is moving and real. But the thing I can't figure out is if I know my God. The answer of course is no and as Christians if God is what he says he is, we will NEVER find the deepest part of God. The deepest part of his love, the deepest part of his justice, the deepest part of his compassion and grace. All along I know that my deepest part is calling out to His because His deepest part is the only place that can fully contain mine. This body can't contain or sort out my deepest longings. But He can. 

A few songs later on Mr. Chapman's album a chorus says "He knows the way to wherever you are. He knows the way to the depths of your heart. He knows the way cuz he's already been to where you're going. Jesus will meet you where you are." Jesus has been to the depths of me and back again. He's been there and taken notes and, throughout my life, he has and will continue to meet me where I am in to see that my paths are directed to the deepest part of myself and more importantly the deepest part of Him. 

I left this flight with so much hope. So much hope for my puny circumstances that I glorify in my head. So much hope for my next 4 months. So much hope for the journey I am on, and so much hope for the places I am going and the people I will meet. The Lord knew I needed a good dose of hope to kick start my travels and that dose came in the form of Sally Stump. Thank you Sally, who knew your lack of sleep would start such a wonderful conversation. 

Marilyn Gross

Mama. Mommy. Mom. Mother. Marilyn. My best friend.

These are the stages I’ve been through with my mom. They seem simple. All terms used to describe a well known relationship. But each one is so complex and so tailored to every stage of life I’ve been through. Each word I have used to describe or call out to my mother has been met with a response. One that has taught me so much of what I need to know in this world. These responses haven’t always been what I wanted or maybe the most perfect, but they have been what I have needed. People can say as they grow up that they no longer need people. I find this to be horribly ignorant and extremely naïve. I’ve found that the more independent I become, the more I need people. And boy, do I need my mom. Before I go into details about these wonderful terms of endearment I have used for this woman, let me tell you a little bit about my mom.

The first time you take a look at Marilyn Gross, you have to take a second look. There’s so much of her that you want to look at. First of all, she is a regulation hottie. She looks like she could walk straight out of a magazine. My mom is so beautiful it makes me sick. She’s perfect. She has blonde hair (it’s not real but.. shhhhh) the most striking green eyes, and a dazzling smile that lights up any room she’s in. If you get close enough, you touch her sun-tanned skin and it’s like silk. Sure, there are a few wrinkles and a few sunspots, but to be honest, these are the things I find the most beautiful about my mom. When I look at these sunspots I see years and years of family vacation time. I see hundreds of thousands of beloved memories and each dollar that was spent on quality time rather than clothes or jewelry or gifts.  When I look at the eye creases I see smiles, smiles that met me at the door when I came home from practices, smiles that I found in huge crowds to give me that boost of confidence. Sometimes I see a wrinkle on her forehead and I remember that her journey of motherhood hasn’t always been fun and games. She has cried for her children, she has bled for her children, she has lost for her children, she has fought for her children. But most of all I look at her hands and her knees and I see that she has done the one thing that a mother can do no matter what happens in life, no matter what bullets come your way. The one thing that, even if she wasn’t the most beautiful woman I have seen, would make her the greatest treasure. My mother has prayed for her children. Faithfully. Every day. Let me tell you that that has not gone unnoticed.

The first word I used for my mother was probably “Mama”. This word at the time held so much significance. It meant that a small part of my baby brain recognized this woman to be my comfort, my provider. My mother. My mom loved me the moment I came out. I look back at pictures and wonder how she has such a look of love on her face when all I was was a purplish screaming ball. I don’t know if Ma-ma was my first word but I’m guessing if it wasn’t, none of the other words mattered.  Soon after, my term of endearment evolved to the beloved “mommy”. This was when my mom knew for darn certain that I knew who she was. I wasn’t just babbling on and Ma-ma wasn’t just a couple of syllables. I think this is why that term is so special to mother’s. It reminds them of the time when their children cried when they left and couldn’t wait till church was over. What I remember most about my mom during these times is the phrase, “ you are my sunshine.” My mom would sing this song to me faithfully. I’d like to think, in my romantic mind, that my mother gave me my rays. Each time she sang it to me was like her sunny rays beating down upon me and causing me to shine them out also.

Then came “mom”. I’m sure this was one of the hardest transitions for her because it meant that her baby was getting older. She was “too cool” for that m-m-y at the end of the word. She heard me yell this word when I wasn’t allowed to go places and she heard me whine this word when I wanted something. But all along, the phrase that SHE always murmured was “you know where I am if you need me”. In my adolescent stage, I had a period of 2 or 3 years when sleep and I just could not agree. Each night I would be terrified to go to sleep because I was afraid of NOT sleeping. I think I willed myself to sleep so hard that it was actually counterproductive. Each night, no matter the night, no matter the early morning she had ahead she would say to me, “you know where I am if you need me”. And she was always there. About two hours into my war with sleep I would be staring wide awake at my ceiling and that phrase would echo in my head. I would make my way upstairs and tiptoe into her room. I’d stand over the bed and sometimes I would shake her awake. She would come downstairs and crawl into bed with me or put a tape on or sing to me until I fell asleep. But sometimes, I would just stand there over the bed and look at her beautiful face as she slept. Any nightmare I had would pass, and I would tiptoe downstairs again and fall asleep. 

I think the term Mother was probably the term she hated the most. I used this term when I was angry and, there were times when I was definitely angry with her. I didn’t like her rules, she didn’t like the color of my hair. For a couple of years there, my mom and I were distant. She didn’t see her little sunshine and I was constantly frustrated with the fact that I was changing into a woman and didn’t know how to mesh the two together. The "you know where I am if you need me" went from a comforting phrase in the night to a phrase she used for life. I didn't think I needed her, but she knew.  I think she told me that every night in the early years so that as I grew up, that phrase would be etched in my head and I would remember that she was there if I ever decided I needed her again. 

I think leaving for college gave me a new perspective of my parents, but especially my mom. She became Marilyn Gross. Not because she became even more distant or just an acquaintance but because I actually felt like I met my mom again. She was a real person. Not just someone to cook my meals, listen to me cry, and take care of the things I needed. I met her as a friend. I met her as a person that I WANTED to call and tell about my day, or laugh with about something. I feel like I could tell my mom anything. I can swear with my mom and she won’t say watch your mouth or slap my hand. I can talk about unmentionables with her without feeling awkward. I can ask her the hard questions that I always thought would make her doubt me.  This relationship has melted into the one I have now with my best friend. She’s my mom. I’ve learned that best friends come and go. Sometimes they’ve betrayed me. Sometimes they have frustrated me. Sometimes they talk about me. Sometimes they aren’t there for me when I need them most.  Sometimes they lead me down paths I shouldn’t go. Sometimes they forget to text or call or communicate and sometimes I do all of those things. But the one person who has NEVER in my life failed at being a best friend is my mom.  She calls me out when I need it. She supports me in everything I pursue. She loves me unconditionally.

I don’t know what I would do without my mother. Saying goodbye to her and my dad (let me tell you, I could write a book about that guy also!), the ones who have faithfully picked me LITERALLY up off of the ground every time I think I can’t go any farther, will be the hardest goodbye to say.  But the greatest thing is that I know for certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, my parents will never walk away. They will never give up on me. They will never be content to let me go. And, no matter what happens in South Africa, what trouble I get into, how I change, what I learn, and who I am friends with, they will be waiting. They will want to know every detail, look at every picture, and know every person I make contact with. They want to be a part of my life, a life that I owe completely to them. J